Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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