You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
