dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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