I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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