So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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