I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
