My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She told me I should be a condom model.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
