I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you had me at cake vodka
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
