how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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