I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
