what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
