I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
