Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
