Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
