I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
