I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
