grandma shit on top of the toilet
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
