and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
