All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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