turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
