you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
