My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
