I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to have your abortion
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
