your thong is hanging out like whoa
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have fence marks all over my body
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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