I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
