I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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