I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
