apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
