Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
