I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
