You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
