Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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