I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
