there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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