NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
