he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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