The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
