Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
