I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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