I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
