somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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