I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hippo gnu deer
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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