fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
