My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
