She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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