Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
