i wish starbucks made bloody marys
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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