This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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