3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
