made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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