More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
